Undergraduate life ran its course almost two years ago. Throughout undergrad, the existential crisis of choosing between research and job life haunted my conscious. The nerve-jittery remembrances of a naive 3-rd year intern comprises of spent restless nights thinking about whether or not to PhD, what lies in the industry life, and what would life be in each scenario.

Today, after a year and half from graduating, I write this as sit by the desk in one of the best room-views a 24 year old could imagine. More often than not, I find myself engrossed in the distilling aporia- am I where I wanted to be? This feeeling, is something that I have suppressed for over a year and a half now, and the longer I dwell in this supression, the arduous it becomes to face it when it resurfaces.

I am writing this sitting on my desk in Atlanta, looking over the GaTech campus from over my window, and the cars swinging by fast on the highway. The campus looks beautiful, with the stadiums and the lighting on the streets. However, this feeling is as empty as the streets are lit up in amber. Life is different here. Neither like your staple sitcom featuring the extroverted Michael Scott in your workplace, nor meeting the same friend group in a cafe or a bar. It is for sure different in socializing, challenging to meet people that share the same interest that you- a bad habbit that IIT Bombay has grown on me. I do not make connections without conversations, it was never activity based for me. These past year and a hald has changed me a lot, I like dancing way more than I used to, but it feels weird to just know the faces you have danced with every week, not knowing their names or what they do apart from dancing in their lives. I mean how much can you exchange in a 3 minute dance. Sure, with time things might change, but does it have to be this ostensible? Is it going to be this all along? It is disheartening to believe that such simple pleasures of life are withdrawn from us, right as we are at the verge of begining our personal lives. What good is youth if all of it is to be spent thinking about what we want and coveting over candid experiences.

Life is also great in Atlanta, in terms of work, the very thing that I chose over personal life in India. I feel grateful that at the very least the thing that I gave importance over to personal life while battling over the confusion is going good till now and as I can see in my foreseeable future. I might be in the best standing career wise, and the epitome of what my undergrad self dreamt about.

Still, I wish I were riding my motorbike in Banglore,
I wish I were having tea at any hour of the night.
I wish I were out all night, with people on the streets which feel like home, in Mumbai.
I miss my friends, which would have been a few minutes away and we would chill in some
cafe or bakery or pub, trying to gell in new groups which play pickleball for namesake,
adapt hobbies to have conversations at length and make new friends.
I wish I never had to face this confusion,
I wish I can live the most out of whatever I can in this lifetime, and
I wish everyone in the world can experience so.

04/10/26
10/04/26